Shattered
by Stabson
Summary: After a tragic accident, Elliot is left to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart. Will Olivia be able to help him?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Just another rewrite. Hope you all enjoy this; I've made some more serious improvements. This one is dedicated to The Congressman, who I hope is reading right now. Thanks for the kind messages. It's really encouraged me to get back into the game.

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><p>Elliot Stabler was completely and utterly exhausted. He stumbled into his home in Queens as quietly as he could, silently wondering whether or not his wife of fifteen years had stayed up to wait for him. He toed off his shoes, and removed his jacket, sighing as the heat soaked into his chilled bones.<p>

He told her earlier that day that he wouldn't be home until late, if at all. She'd been upset, of course, mostly due to the fact that they hadn't seen each other in three days. After the body of a teenage girl was found, the Manhattan Special Victims Unit had been launched in an all out race to find the killer, a serial rapist with a new victim every six hours.

Finally, after a mentally and physically exhausting week, they caught the bastard. His new partner, the third since Dave Rossetti died, quit right after they closed the case. He'd lasted about five days; Elliot couldn't even remember the man's name.

He shook those thoughts away; he didn't blame the man. After working with Special Victims Unit for the better part of five years, he still wanted to cringe at the stories he heard. He doubted that would ever change.

"Hey."

The voice was like music to his ears. Kathy, his wife and the mother of his two beautiful daughters, flipped on the lamp next to the couch that she sat on. She looked almost as tired as he did, and he silently wondered how long she had been sitting there waiting for him.

"Hey." He answered, collapsing next to her. His screaming muscles thanked him. "I told you not to wait up for me."

"I wanted to make sure you got home alright." She said, gently running her hand through his short hair, a gesture she knew soothed him. "How's the case?"

"Closed." He answered, leaning back, relaxing under her touch.

"Are you okay?" She asked quietly.

_She always knows when something's wrong. _

"It was tough." He admitted, glancing at her. He didn't say anymore; he hated bringing his work home with him, though sometimes it was hard. He didn't want to drag her into the horrors that he saw every day. He had enough nightmares for the both of them.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "It's alright."

"No, it's not." She said. "I know you're in pain right now. Talk to me, maybe I can help."

He leaned into her. "You being here is enough."

"Alright." She conceded. "But if you do want to talk, I'm here for you. Okay?"

He gave her a small smile, and nodded.

"C'mon, let's get to bed. You look exhausted."

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><p>The next day, Elliot awoke to the sun shining through his window, a rare occurrence. Usually, he was up before the sun even rose and out as it came up. Cragen had given him strict orders to take the following day off, though, something that Elliot had no problem with. He could use a day off.<p>

Though he'd been sleeping for almost ten hours, he still felt groggy and sluggish. He couldn't force himself to go back to sleep; years in the Marines and the NYPD had taught him the need to be productive. If he wasn't, he would go crazy.

So, instead of laying in bed and sleeping off his exhaustion, he got up and dressed in warm clothing. The night before, he noticed inches of snow trampled down in the driveway.

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><p>The day after, Elliot returned to the precinct. He felt refreshed, renewed, and ready for whatever case he would be assigned to next.<p>

_What a difference a day off can make. _

"Morning, Elliot." John Munch said as the younger man walked into the bullpen. "How was your day off?"

"Refreshing." Elliot said, hanging his jacket on the back of his chair. "We catch anything yet?"

"Not yet. Didn't you have a partner a few days ago?"

Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "Another one that couldn't handle it. At this rate, I'll be flying solo forever."

"You're not that lucky." John said, returning to his paperwork.

Elliot began pulling out files, and sighed. "Yeah, you're right."

The morning went without much of a hitch. In the early afternoon, Cragen sent Elliot and Munch out to Mercy General to interview a victim.

"God, I hate these cases." Munch said, peering into the hospital room where a young girl lay. She looked to be about fourteen. Her face and arms were heavily bruised and her eyes were wide and filled with fear.

Elliot looked solemnly in at the girl, his heart breaking. "I know. Me too."

"One of us should go in. She may be intimidated if two unknown men come into her room." Munch said.

"You're right."

"I'll see you afterwards, then."

Elliot turned towards Munch. "Whoa, whoa. Why me?"

Munch shrugged. "You're the father. You know how to talk to little girls better than I do."

Elliot sighed, rubbing his temples. "Yeah, yeah."

He readied himself, and took a deep breath before approaching the doorway. He knocked on the frame. "Hey there. Are you Megan?"

The girl stared at him blankly, and Elliot wondered if she even comprehended what he was saying. He took a deep breath.

"I'm Elliot, a police officer. Can I come in?"

Once again, nothing.

"I'm going to come in. I'm here to help you, okay? You're safe now." He took a few slow steps, and when she didn't flinch away or tell him to back off, he moved a little bit quicker, and sat next to her.

"How are you holding up?" He asked. A moment of silence later, he couldn't handle the silence anymore. "Can you talk to me, sweetie?"

She finally focused in on him. "S-sorry." Her voice was soft and unsure. "I-I am Megan. I-I guess I'm alright."

"Can you tell me what happened to you?"

She bit her lip, and shook her head. "I-I don't want to talk about it."

"I know." Elliot said. "I know what you're going through is really painful and scary. But if you tell me what happened, I'll be able to help you, and hopefully we- my partner and I- will be able to catch the person that did this to you. You want that, don't you?"

Megan nodded. "Of course."

Elliot reached out, and squeezed her hand gently. "I'm listening, then."

She took a deep breath, and nodded. "I-it happened so fast. I was walking home from the subway after my guitar lesson. H-he came up from behind me, and grabbed my case. I tried to turned around to see who it was, but he pulled my shirt over my face and I-I couldn't move my arms."

Elliot squeezed her hand as she continued, letting her know that he was there for her. "He pulled me into an alley and… he-he… raped me. When he was done, h-he ran off. Never even said a word to me."

The tears streamed down her face. She fell into his chest, and began to sob.

"Shh…" He whispered, rocking her back and forth gently. "It's going to be okay. He's not going to hurt you anymore."

"This sucks." Elliot grumbled, leaving the hospital room. Megan had finally calmed down, and fell into a deep sleep, probably due to the painkillers the nurse administered a few moments earlier.

Munch pat his shoulder. "It's hard for all of us, El."

The younger detective nodded curtly, clearing his throat as he pushed back the emotion. "I know. Come on, we better get back to the station."

Just as they walked out of the hospital, Elliot's cell phone began to vibrate in his pocket.

"Stabler." He said into the receiver.

"Elliot." Cragen's voice greeted from the other end. His voice was filled with remorse and something else. Pity?

"What's going on?" He asked as panic rose in his throat.

"It's Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to the reviewers on Chapter 1 of this rewrite! This chapter was a bit harder for me to write than the first time around; I'm not sure why. But I hope you enjoy it!

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><p>"It's Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen."<p>

His heart skipped a beat. The remorse in Cragen's voice was unmistakable.

_What is going on? Please tell me they're okay. They have to be okay._

"They were involved in a car accident this morning. They've been taken to Mercy General. I'm on my way over there."

"I'm here already." He said, a knot rising in his throat. "Wh-where are they? If they're here, they're going to be okay, right?"

The pause in Cragen's voice was much too long. "I'll be there in five minutes; just hold on. Can I talk to Munch?"

Elliot handed the phone to the older detective. They talked for a moment, and John handed the phone back. He rested his hand on Elliot's shoulder. "C'mon, Elliot, let's sit down."

He pulled away from John's shoulder, shaking his head violently. "I don't want to sit down. I want to know what the hell's going on with my family."

"Cragen will be here in a few minutes. He'll take you to them; he didn't tell me where they were. Sit and stay calm for now, you don't want them to see you worked up like this and scare them, do you?"

Elliot shook his head, sinking into the hard, plastic chair against the wall. John sat beside him. "What did Megan tell you? She gave you a statement, right?"

"She was raped." He said. He tried to remember what else the girl told him, but her face was replaced with the faces of his own daughters in his mind, bloody and broken.

_Why didn't Cragen tell me they're okay?_

"It's going to be alright, Elliot." John said, squeezing his shoulder. "They're going to be fine."

"Then why didn't Cragen tell me that?" He asked. "Why is he coming here, why didn't he tell me where they are before showing up?"

"I don't know."

It seemed like forever before Cragen approached them from down the hall. Elliot shot to his feet, and rushed to meet the captain. "Where are they? What's going on?"

Cragen took a deep breath. "Maybe you should sit down."

Cold fear clenched his chest. "I don't want to sit down. I want to know what's happened to my family."

The captain rested his hands on Elliot's shoulders. "I'm so sorry, son. Kathy and Kathleen are gone. They both passed away in OR just about an hour ago."

The air was stolen from his lungs. His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. The two men caught him as his knees collapsed from underneath him. Tears welled in his eyes; he felt like he was going to throw up.

_They're gone... they-they're dead? They can't be dead, they-1`_

"Maureen." He whispered, and looked up at Cragen. "What about Maureen?"

"She's here." Cragen said. "C'mon."

Cragen and John guided him down the hallway to one of the nursing stations.

"We're looking for Maureen Stabler." Cragen told the woman sitting at the desk. "This is her father."

"Just a minute." The woman said, punching a few keys into her computer. "Stabler, let's see… room 417. Doctor Anderson was looking for a parent. I'll let him know you're here."

Moments later, after paging the doctor, a short man with blond hair and bronze skin approached them. "Mr. Stabler, I presume. I'm Doctor Anderson."

Elliot shook the doctor's hand. "What's going on with my daughter? Please tell me she's going to be okay."

Anderson frowned. "Your wife and both of your daughters sustained serious injuries. I'm so sorry that I couldn't do anything for Kathy and Kathleen. We tried our best to save Maureen, but there isn't much we can do; her injuries are just too severe. There's a very small chance that she will survive."

He felt like he had been punched in the gut. He swallowed the lump in his throat, scrubbing the tears from his eyes. "H-how small?"

"We don't think she'll survive the night. I'm so sorry, Mr. Stabler."

"Can I see her?" He asked.

"Of course. Just down the hall on your left. I must warn you, though… she doesn't look very well at all."

He didn't care. He needed to see her; he needed to hold her and try to make everything okay again.

When he entered, he almost regretted his decision. Maureen laid on the bed, looking so small and fragile. A blood-stained bandage covered part of her forehead, both of her eyes were surrounded by purple and black, and she was pale to the point of being unnatural. He approached her bed, and dropped into the chair next to her, reaching for her hand, which was cold.

"Mo." He whispered, tears flooding his eyes. "I'm here, sweetie. Daddy's here."

She stirred, and her eyes opened slowly. "D-Daddy?"

He couldn't force a smile for her, not even a reassuring look. He ran his free hand gently over her forehead. "Shh. It's alright, I'm here."

"Mom? Kat?" She asked quietly.

He couldn't even say the words. He pursed his lips, and shook his head.

Tears ran down her broken, bruised face. "I-I'm scared." She whispered.

"What are you scared of?" Elliot asked quietly.

"I d-don't want t-to die."

His heart snapped in half. He blinked back more tears, trying to be strong for the dying little girl next to him. "Of course not. You're going to be fine. You're going to get out of here, and I'll take you to the park when it gets warmer. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Maureen nodded. "Yeah."

"We'll play soccer. Me, you and Kat, that would be fun, wouldn't it? I'll take you guys out for ice cream afterwards. What flavor do you want?"

"Strawberry." She whispered. "That's my favorite."

He nodded through his tears. "Strawberry then."

"I'm so tired, Daddy. I just want to sleep now. Can I go to sleep?"

Elliot sat on the edge of her bed. "Please try to stay awake for me, sweetie. Just try to keep those eyes open. Can you do that?"

"I'll try."

Elliot gently lifted her into his lap, stroking his hand through her knotted hair. "Thank you."

Though she tried to keep her eyes open, Elliot noticed her eyelids droop further and further.

"Can I sleep now?" She finally asked.

_There's nothing I can do. I can't save her. _

He lifter her face close to his and kissed her forehead. Her forehead was cold as he rested his cheek against it. "You can sleep now. When you wake up, everything will be okay."

"Do you promise?" She asked softly, eyes already halfway closed.

"I promise." He whispered, his arms tightening around her.

Maureen's eyes closed the rest of the way, and Elliot felt her breaths grow shallower and further apart. Finally, after a few minutes, they stopped all together.

He held her tightly as his body began to shake. Tears streamed down his face as he held the limp body of his first-born, nothing more than a shell of what she once was.

Cragen sat beside Elliot on the bed, and placed his hand on the detective's back. Tears moistened his own eyes as he watched the heartbreaking scene play out before him.

"C'mon, Elliot." He said softly. "There's nothing more you can do. Let's get you out of here, you don't need to see this."

"Yes I do." He whispered, rocking her back and forth. He sniffled, swallowing back more tears. "I wasn't there for them. Why couldn't I be there?"

"You were here for Maureen, that's what matters." Cragen said. "You didn't let her die alone."

His body shook with more quiet sobs as the word pierced him. _Die. Dead. They're really gone._

Cragen grasped his arm gently. "C'mon. Let's get you out of here."

He didn't have the strength to fight. The captain gently took Maureen from his arms, placed her back down on the bed and guided Elliot out of the room.

Cragen pulled into the driveway, and looked across the car at Elliot. He looked lost; he stared out the window at the house like he didn't even recognize where he was.

"Do you want me to keep you company for a bit?" He asked gently.

Elliot turned to him, silent for a moment as he tried to comprehend the captain's words. Finally, he shook his head. "I'll be okay. Thanks though."

Cragen nodded. "Alright. I'm putting you on paid leave, you take as much time as you need."

"Thanks." His voice was monotone. The captain knew that he was both physically and emotionally drained.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

Elliot got out of the car, and headed towards the front door. Cragen stared at the door for a moment after it closed, his heart aching for his detective. The road ahead would not be easy; the captain knew that better than most. He frowned as pain locked away came back to the surface. He'd been devastated when he lost Marge, his wife and only love. He could only imagine what Elliot was feeling. Not only did he lose his love, but also the two little girls that meant the most to him.

Sighing, he pulled out of the driveway and headed home.

Inside, Elliot took of his jacket and hung it on the rack by the door.

_Kathy will be upset if I don't-_

_ Kathy won't be getting upset ever again._

Pain welled up in his chest. He stumbled into the kitchen, the voices of Maureen and Kathleen ringing in his ears.

_They're actually gone. I'm never going to see them again. _

He couldn't take the thought. His shoulders began to shake; he tried to hold the tears back, but it just wasn't working.

His fist came down on the kitchen table. Pain shot up his forearm. He sunk into the kitchen chair, holding the tears at bay.

_How could this happen?_

Finally, he gave in. Tears streamed down his face and gut-wrenching sobs erupted from his chest.

He didn't know how he was going to survive without them.


	3. Chapter 3

Elliot sat against the wall on the floor of Maureen's bedroom. Tear tracts that hadn't had the time to dry yet ran down his cheeks. He brought his knees to his chest, nearly shaking as waves of emotional pain crashed over him.

The funeral would start in an hour. He was dressed in his black suit with an untied tie around his neck. He had tried to tie it, but his hands had been shaking too much.

_I can't do this. How does anyone expect me to?_

His chest began to shake as new tears streamed down his face. He dropped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.

The doorbell rang downstairs, but he made no move to get it. He knew it was Cragen, coming to pick him up for the funeral. The captain had offered to go with him, to offer his support, and Elliot had gratefully accepted, He knew he wouldn't be able to do it alone.

_I can't go. _

He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to leave the confines of the bright purple bedroom and watch the people that mattered most to him be buried in the ground, with tombstones, flowers… It was too real. Too finite.

"Elliot?" The door creaked open a moment later. The captain entered. "What are you doing in here?"

He shook his head. "I can't do this. I can't go."

Cragen sat down beside him, silent for a moment. "Why not?"

Elliot wiped away the tears on his face. "It hurts too much. I can't do it."

"I know it hurts." Cragen placed a hand on his shoulder. "But you can do this. I know you can."

"I'm not this strong." He whispered, "I'm not strong enough to… to bury my daughters… my wife…"

His chest began to shake once more as he tried to control his sobs.

"It'll be alright. I'll be right next to you the whole time. If it gets to be too much, we'll go. I promise."

_They're my family. I owe it to them to at least show up. _

Elliot took a deep breath, and nodded reluctantly. "Alright."

Cragen helped him up, dusted him off, and tied his tie. "C'mon."

They walked down to the car together. The ride to the church only lasted about twenty minutes, but it seemed to go by much faster than the detective wanted it to. The closer they got, the deeper his heart sunk; there wasn't much he wouldn't rather do.

The car parked in the lot of the church, and Cragen got out, but Elliot was frozen. He stared at the large stone building, pain welling up in his chest.

_You made it this far. Get out of the car; you can do this._

_ I can't go in there. _

He jumped as the captain opened his door. "C'mon."

That afternoon was one that he would rather forget. Cragen sat beside him the entire time, silently offering support, but it didn't make a difference. At first, his pain was silent; he cried no tears. However, as soon as they reached the cemetery and he saw the names of his family on tombstones, it was like the dam broke. Tears streamed down his face. When the service ended, several people approached to offer him comfort, from both his side of the family and Kathy's. He attempted to wipe the tears away, but more just replaced them.

Finally, only he and Cragen remained at the gravesite. Elliot stood in front of the three stones, his shoulders shaking as tears ran down his face. He dropped his face into his hands and sobs shook his body. Cragen placed a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed gently.

"It's going to be alright, son." He said.

"How?" Elliot asked, scrubbing his face. "How in the hell is everything going to be alright?"

"It may not seem like it now, but this pain won't last forever. You just have to hang in there now."

Elliot wiped away the new tears that had formed as Cragen gently guided him back to the car. "Let's get you out of here."

"How about some lunch?" Cragen asked as they pulled out of the cemetery, knowing that Elliot hadn't been eating nearly enough over the past few days.

He couldn't imagine eating; he doubted he would be able to keep anything down. "I'm not very hungry. I just want to go home."

The captain nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. "Alright."

When they reached the house, Elliot got out slowly, and turned back towards Cragen. "Thanks, Cap'n."

The older man nodded. "Of course. You know I'm always here if you want to talk. Are you sure you don't want some company for a while?"

"I'm sure." Elliot said. "I'd like to be alone right now. Thank you though."

Cragen nodded. "Take care of yourself then."

The detective closed the door and headed into the house. He watched the black sedan pull away from the house, then turned to the empty living room. It seemed so strange… so empty.

The kitchen was dark as well. Elliot dropped into one of the chairs, and his head fell into his hands. He stared down at the wood grains of the table.

_"I-I'm scared. I don't want to die."_

It was overwhelming. He jumped to his feet, flinging the chair halfway across the room. He slammed his fists against the cabinet behind him over and over; he couldn't get Maureen's face out of his head… she had been so small, so young, and so scared. None of the three deserved what happened to them.

All of his strength flowed out of him, and he collapsed against the counter. He didn't even have the strength to cry anymore. Instead, he leaned back against the counter, drew his knees against his chest and dropped his head into his folded arms. He was starting to feel numb; the emotions that were overwhelming him a few moments ago were starting to make him feel numb.

His eyelids were growing increasingly heavy. He hadn't been sleeping as much as he should have, and he was exhausted to the point where he didn't even think he could make it to the bedroom upstairs. Instead, he managed to stand, stumble to the couch and collapse onto the cushions.

That night, he was too exhausted to even dream.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Why, hello! Just wanted to thank everyone for all of their kind reviews. Keep 'em coming, I love hearing the feedback! Anyway, we have a big chapter here... here comes OLIVIA!

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><p>Three days passed. On the fourth, there was a knock on Elliot's front door. When he answered it, Cragen stood on the porch.<p>

The captain frowned deeply at his detective's appearance. His clothes were rumpled, there were bags under his eyes, and it looked like he hadn't shaved since the funeral.

Without saying a word, Elliot stepped aside to let Cragen in.

"How are you feeling?" The captain asked.

Elliot shrugged, collapsing on the couch. There was a blanket laying over the cushions; it looked like he hadn't even been sleeping in his bedroom.

"Not too hot." He said finally.

Cragen nodded, sitting across from him. "I don't pretend to know what you're going through. You know you can talk to me."

"Don't really want to talk about it."

"Alright, let's talk about work. Are you planning on coming back?"

"Yeah. I'll be back next week."

"You know, it's okay to take some more time off. You need to take care of yourself, Elliot."

He scrubbed his face with his hands. "It's fine. I'm fine, I just… just need a couple more days."

"If you're not ready, then that's fine. You have a mountain of time piled up, you can take as much of it as you want."

Elliot jumped to his feet. "Look, I appreciate your concern, but I just can't sit around and think about it. I need to get my mind off of it."

Cragen stared at him for a moment, and nodded. "Alright. Do what you think you need. You should know by now that I'm here whenever you need to talk to somebody."

Elliot nodded. "Thanks."

"Alright. You going to be okay?"

"I'm going to have to be, aren't I?"

Cragen pat him on the shoulder. "Well, if you're not, give me a call."

When the captain left, Elliot took a deep breath and grabbed a beer from the kitchen. He had a plan for the rest of his afternoon, and it involved a lot of alcohol.

The next morning, he woke up with his stomach tumbling and a killer headache. The morning after that was a similar situation. His weekend was nothing more than a hazy mess of drunkenness and pain.

Monday morning, he got dressed in a suit, and looked at himself in the mirror. There were still bags under his eyes, his beard was growing in quite messy, and his skin was just a little too pale.

He didn't notice any of that, but he did notice how pathetically alone he looked and felt. He also noticed how he looked in the mirror and completely loathed himself.

He scrubbed his face with his hand, tightened his tie and turned away from the mirror.

When he walked into the bullpen, he immediately felt eyes on him. Munch and Fin both stood from their desks and approached him.

"Hey, man. How are you doing?" Fin asked, patting him on the back.

Elliot frowned, and cleared his throat. "It's been rough."

"We're here for you, Elliot." Munch said. "You're not alone in all this."

"Thanks, guys."

"Elliot." Cragen stood in the doorway of his office. "Can I have a word?"

Elliot sat in front of Cragen's desk, waiting for him to speak. The captain took a deep breath, shuffled some papers, and looked at the detective. "You didn't tell me you were coming back today."

Elliot shrugged. "I didn't know I was until this morning. I woke up, and… I just couldn't sit in that house all day."

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Elliot? It's okay if you're not."

Elliot stared down at his hands as he rubbed them together. The captain could almost see the thoughts running through his head. "Cap'n… I can't just sit in that house anymore. Every time I turn around…" Tears formed in his eyes. He sniffled, trying desperately to blink them away. "I see something that reminds me of them. They're all I can think about. I need to take my mind off of it. I need to get out there and do something or I'll think too much."

The captain took a deep breath. "I'm putting you on limited field time."

"Desk duty?"

"Look, Elliot, it's only been a week. I'm hesitant enough to let you back to work at all, never mind going out into the field and to crime scenes. Limited field time, that's what I'm offering you."

Elliot took a deep breath, and nodded. "Alright. Limited field time."

Munch and Jeffries were sitting at their desks working when Elliot left the captain's office. He sat down, took out case files and began to work. Elliot took a deep breath, attempting to bury himself in his work.

It didn't work very well. He stared at the blank document, trying to get his mind right. He wrote down a few words, and slowly but surely, thoughts of work and his cases began to overshadow thoughts of his family.

"Hey, Elliot." Munch said, approaching Elliot's desk. "Want to grab some lunch?"

"Thanks, John. But I'm not very hungry."

"Well, let's at least get out of here for a half hour or so. C'mon." Munch closed Elliot's case file, and took his arm, gently pulling him away from his desk.

"So, how are you doing?" Munch asked as they walked down the sidewalk towards a diner close to the precinct.

Elliot snorted. "Do you really have to ask?"

"No, but it's good to talk about. Get your mind off of everything."

"Well, I feel like shit. All the time." Elliot said, shoving his hands into his pockets as they walked. "I just… I can't stop thinking about them, you know?"

"I can't imagine what you're going through. But you know I'm here if you ever need to talk to someone."

"Thanks, John, but… talking about it doesn't help. Not thinking about it doesn't help. Coming back here and trying to work doesn't seem to help." Elliot sighed shakily, keeping the tears at bay. When he spoke, it came out in nothing more than a whisper. "I feel like there's a giant hole in my chest, John. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it will ever heal."

John reached out and squeezed his shoulder. He didn't know what else to say, so he didn't say anything. He simply squeezed Elliot's shoulder, trying to offer him comfort.

It didn't work.

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><p>"Where are Munch and Jeffries?" Cragen asked, walking out of his office.<p>

"Still on lunch break." Elliot said, looking up from the file he was working on. He noticed the slip of paper in the captain's hands. "Is there a new case? I'll take it."

"You're on limited field time, remember?" Cragen said, "I'll wait for Munch and Jeffries to get back."

"It's been three weeks." Elliot said. "You can't keep me on desk duty forever."

Cragen toyed with the piece of paper in his hand for a moment, and took a deep breath. "You're right. Take this one."

It wasn't hard to find the crime scene. People and squad cars filled the vicinity; CSI roamed the area and police patrolled the perimeter of the scene. One quick flash of his badge, and he was allowed under the yellow tape.

"Melinda." He called, jogging up to the medical examiner.

"Elliot." Melinda greeted. "Welcome back. How are you doing?"

"Probably better than our victim. What do we have?"

The medical examiner frowned. "Elliot… I really don't think you should look at this victim."

"Why not? This is my case. I have to." Elliot pushed past Melinda to see the body, and immediately froze. He suddenly wished he had followed Melinda's advice. A young girl laid on the ground in front of him; she couldn't have been older than Kathleen. Fuzzy, knotted blonde hair framed her face. Her cheeks were still tinted pink and her eyes were closed.

Elliot's knees went weak. His mouth felt like cotton. He turned away from the body, shaking his head.

"Do we have an I.D.?" He asked, trying to keep the pain out of his voice.

"The father's right over there." Melinda said.

Elliot turned, and saw him, leaning against a squad car. Closer inspection revealed that he had been crying.

"Sir?" He asked gently as he walked over. "I'm Detective Stabler. I'll be working your daughter's case."

"Mike Bishop." He answered. "I can't… I can't believe that someone would do something like this. Katie was such a sweet girl."

"It's alright." Elliot pat Mike on the shoulder. His heart sunk into the pit of his stomach. "It could have happened to anyone. It's not your fault."

* * *

><p>Elliot walked into the precinct hours later. The icy grip around his heart hadn't eased… it had gotten even worse. He couldn't help but see all of the similarities between Katie and his own children, and Mike and himself. The pain was unbearable.<p>

The detective walked up to the roof. It always seemed to calm him; the cool wind, the sounds of the city… It always helped when he was feeling down.

But today was different. The roof couldn't calm him. He sighed, holding the rail tightly as he looked down at the usual afternoon traffic. Light bounced off of the windows of the buildings across the way.

God, he missed them. The pain hadn't even begun to fade, and he doubted that it ever would. Even his dreams were filled with their memories. Elliot shook his head, feeling tears pool in his eyes and a trembling lower lip. He was sick of crying. Turning, he sunk to the floor, leaning heavily against the railing.

He felt his service weapon dig into his side, and slowly pulled it out. He had been shooting guns his whole life… his father had taught him when he was young. It was one of the only good things the man had done for him.

_It would be so easy to end it here. _

_ Suicide's a sin. _

_ At least the pain would stop. _

One bullet. That was all he needed. Just one. The pain would stop forever; he wouldn't have to live with the guilt that he was breathing, and his daughters were not.

Elliot turned the safety off, and cocked the gun with shaking hands. He held the gun tightly in his hands, tears forming in his eyes. He sniffled, staring out at the city. This definitely wasn't how he had imagined his last moments… he always thought about being with his kids, and Kathy…

He would be with them soon.

Or, he would be in Hell soon. Either way, it would all be over. He pressed the gun under his chin slowly, and closed his eyes as his finger went to the trigger. All the pain would be over in a moment. He took a deep breath, his finger squeezing the trigger slightly.

"Elliot?" The captain asked softly from above him.

He opened his eyes, and saw the captain's concerned face looking down at him. Cragen sat on the floor next to the detective. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Elliot asked, hands shaking, tears stinging his eyes. "I'm ending it."

"You don't have to do this." The captain said. "I know you're hurt, and I know it seems like this is the only way out, but it's not. Okay? It's not."

"I'm so sick of feeling like this." He whispered. "All of the time."

"I know." Cragen said. "I know. But you can get through this; I know you can. You're too strong for this, to die like this."

"I'm not strong enough for this." Elliot's voice broke off into a sob. "I can't live without them. I can't."

"You can." Cragen said. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy. It's not. It's going to be hard, and painful, and you're probably going to think about putting that gun under your chin a lot more, but you can make it through this."

"What if I don't want to make it through this? What if I don't want to live without them?"

Cragen paused. "What would they want? Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen. What would they want you to do?"

His chest began to shake with sobs. "I don't know."

"Don't give me that, Elliot. You know damn right well what they would want you to do. They would want you to keep going. To get better. They loved you just as much as you loved them, and they wouldn't want to see you like this, sitting on the roof of the precinct, about to blow your brains out."

"My kids…" He whispered painfully.

"Elliot… please give me the gun. Everything is going to be okay, just give me the gun."

Elliot lowered the gun slowly, and the captain took it from him. "That's it. You're okay. You're going to be okay."

The detective shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Elliot. This is my fault; I knew you weren't ready to go back in the field, but I let you anyway. It was a mistake."

Elliot shook his head. "I wanted to. I thought I could handle it. I guess I was wrong."

Cragen reached out, and squeezed Elliot's shoulder. "It's alright, son. You'll get back in the game. You just have to give it some time."

"I don't even want to live anymore." Elliot whispered. "You think I still want to be a detective?"

Cragen shrugged. "Well, you're not going to kill yourself. You need something to occupy your time and pay the bills."

"I thought it would help." Elliot stared up at Cragen. "I thought it would take my mind off of things."

"Nothing is going to take your mind off of things, Elliot. I hate to tell you this, because I wish there was something, but that's just not the case. You're going to have to push through the pain, you're going to have to accept it, and grieve, and try your best to move on."

"What if I can't?"

"I know you can. It's just going to take some time. Just give yourself some time."

* * *

><p>ONE YEAR LATER…<p>

Elliot got out of his car, and slammed the door shut. A cigarette poked out of his mouth, and sunglasses covered his eternally dark and tired eyes. A frown was painted on his messily bearded face. He flicked the white stick onto the pavement and stepped on it before walking into the precinct.

He had walked into the bullpen and was just about to sit down when Cragen poked his head out of his office.

"Elliot, can I have a word?"

"What is it?" Elliot asked, taking off his sunglasses as he walked into the captain's office.

"You're getting a new partner." Cragen said. "We just got a newly promoted officer."

Elliot shook his head. "No thanks, Cap. It would probably be better for me to just fly solo."

"That wasn't a suggestion, Detective. Everyone else in this unit has a partner, you will, too."

"Fine, you know as well as I do that he's probably not going to last a week in here. What kind of dumb rookie you sticking me with this time?"

"Turn around and you'll see her."

_Her? _

Elliot spun around, and saw a woman sitting in the corner. She was about his age, with auburn hair and brown eyes. Her arms were crossed over his chest and her gaze bore a hole right through him.

"Dumb rookie? Really?"

She stood, and gave him a once over. His clothes were a bit rumpled, like he'd washed them and hung them but hadn't ironed them. It looked like he hadn't given his short, messy beard a trim in a long while.

"Elliot Stabler, meet Olivia Benson."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I want to thank **skyesmommy**, **The Congressman**, **Roanie123** and **Sam 'Dimples' Swarek** for their kind reviews. I want to especially thank **skyesmommy** and **The Congressman**, who have been with me since the beginning of this whole thing and have left their comments throughout. It means so much to me that people have stuck it out this far!

As for the rest of the story, I can promise that I'm trying my absolute best to make it several times better than the original version. **Please let me know in a review** if I am succeeding! Once again, thank you to all of my readers, reviewers and long time supporters. You guys are the reason I post on this site at all.

-Stabson

* * *

><p>Olivia Benson was ecstatic when her transfer to Manhattan Special Victims Unit went through. She had been waiting her whole career for this moment; she couldn't wait to get started. That is, until she met her new partner. She hadn't really been worried about the partner that she would be assigned; after all, SVU detectives were supposed to be more receptive and open-minded.<p>

Then she met Elliot Stabler, and those thoughts went out the window. She hadn't known the man for long, but from what she saw, he seemed just like the most ignorant beat cop she'd known before transferring.

_How in the hell did he end up in Special Victims Unit?_

Stabler pulled into the hospital parking lot, parked, and as soon as they got out of the car, lit up a cigarette. Olivia rolled her eyes.

"What?"

She wasn't going to say anything. But since he called her out, she would give him a piece of her mind.

"You know those things can kill you, right? And what, you just lit up, you're going to make that victim wait even longer for us to get up there?"

Stabler frowned deeply, and took two steps towards her. He took the smoking cigarette out of his mouth. "I know how to do my job. I don't need your input."

He continued walking, and Olivia shook her head.

_And here I thought I would actually get a professional partner. _

Once they reached the door, Stabler took one last puff on the cigarette and dropped it into the ashtray as they walked in.

"Elliot!" A woman jogged up to him. "Hey, how are you doing?"

Olivia frowned slightly at the warm greeting that the nurse gave him. What medal did _she_ have to win to gain his respect?

"Hey, Jen." He said. "I'm doing alright."

The woman pat him on the arm, and smiled at him. "That's good. Ever since…"

Stabler cleared his throat, stopping Jen from speaking. Noticing Olivia for the first time, the nurse backed off. "Well, it's nice to see you again. Take care of yourself, okay? Call me anytime."

"I will." Stabler said, and they walked away.

Olivia shook her head, slightly put off by the nurse's behavior. Clearly she saw something that Olivia didn't, and Stabler seemed like he was trying awfully hard to keep it that way.

* * *

><p>Elliot walked out of the hospital, and immediately reached for his cigarettes. Not very many cases affected him so severely anymore, but this one… he shook his head violently.<p>

It had been a teenage girl. Raped, beaten and killed right in front of her father. Elliot thought what happened to him was bad.

_To see that happen to your own daughter… Jesus. _

"Let's go." Olivia said as they reached the sedan.

He was tired. Tired, sad, angry, and he didn't even know what else, so he really didn't need some rookie prodding him along.

_This is why I work alone._

"Stabler." She said, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Relax." Elliot snapped. "The perp isn't going disappear in ten seconds."

He was like a volcano; if he didn't relax, he was going to erupt. He ran both hands through his hair, balancing the cigarette between his lips.

"Alright, listen, Stabler." Olivia said, approaching him. "You don't have to like me, frankly, I don't care if you do or not. But I sure as hell expect you to respect me."

"Get in the car." Elliot said. "Let's go."

"Did you hear what I said?"

The detective was silent for a moment. "Oh, I heard what you said."

"I have no problem reporting you, Detective."

"You do what you have to do, Benson." Elliot got into the driver's seat, and started the car.

The ride back to the precinct was silent and awkward, leaving them both to their thoughts. Elliot was finally able to calm himself, getting back to his hard shell. He wondered if Benson was serious about reporting him... she sounded serious.

He took a deep breath. The job was the only thing he had left. If he lost it… he didn't even know what he would do.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Elliot was the only one left in the precinct. Most of the lights were already off, barring the small lamp on his desk. He was focused on the paperwork in front of him.<p>

"You going to go home some time tonight?" Cragen dragged a chair over to Elliot's desk, and sat down.

"Why bother?" Elliot muttered, writing furiously.

"You need to eat at some point. Not to mention sleep."

"You know I don't do much of either these days."

"You're going to kill yourself if you keep going like this." Cragen said. "Elliot, you need to start taking care of yourself."

Elliot dropped the sheet of paperwork into the bin on the left side of his desk, and started in on the next one. "Listen, Cap'n, I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine. I'm getting my work done."

"Alright." Cragen stood up. "Just do me a favor and try to give your new partner a chance."

"She's a piece of work." He said.

"Yeah, just like you." Cragen said. "Goodnight, Elliot."

Elliot stared at the captain walked back into his office, and shook his head, throwing his pen into the cup on the desk. He stood, grabbed his jacket, and got the hell out of there.

On the way home, he stopped at the gas station to pick up a few packs of cigarettes and a six-pack of beer. He had two beers and a cigarette before bed, but couldn't sleep. He wasn't surprised. Just like he had told Cragen; he wasn't sleeping much these days.

He turned on the TV, set it on a news channel, and laid back, reaching for a cigarette on his bedside table.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Elliot jolted awake from a nightmare just before the sun rose. He sighed, and scrubbed his face with his hands.<p>

_No use sitting here and wallowing. _

He got out of bed, showered, dressed and headed to the precinct. Like usual, he was one of the first ones in the squad room. He pulled out case files, and started to work.

"Morning, Elliot." Munch greeted as he walked by the detective's desk.

Elliot grunted in response, scribbling on his case file.

Twenty minutes later, Olivia sat down across from him without a greeting. She opened her own files, and started working.

After about a half hour of silent work, Olivia dropped her pen and looked up at Elliot. "Have we gotten any leads on the case, or are we just going to sit here and look at paperwork all day?"

"Nope." He didn't even look up from his work.

"Do you even care?"

Elliot's head snapped up. "Excuse me?"

"Do you have any interest in closing this case?"

Fire rose in his chest. He pointed at Olivia with his pen. "You know absolutely nothing about me, Benson. Don't you dare assume how I feel about anything."

"Well maybe you should start showing it."

Elliot jumped to his feet, and stormed into the captain's office.

"Elliot?"

"You're crazy if you think I'm going to partner with Benson." Elliot snapped, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You better watch what you say, Detective. I'm still your commanding officer and you need to show me a little respect."

Elliot took a deep breath, calming himself down. "I want a different partner. Pair me with Munch, Fin, I don't care, I just can't be partners with Benson."

"I put you and Benson together, and that's how it's going to be. You're going to have to accept that, understood?"

Elliot didn't answer right away.

"Let me make this simple for you. You can either get right with that, or go home."

"Fine. Don't expect it to work out."

"What are you going to do, Elliot, drive another partner out of SVU?" Cragen asked. "You know, this whole routine is getting pretty old. If you can't be a team player, you're not going to be around here for much longer. Don't make me do that, because I really don't want to."

Elliot got up, and headed towards the door of the office. His head was starting to pound; he didn't think he could deal with this for much longer.

"Elliot."

The detective turned around.

The captain took a deep breath. "If you're hurting… you need to talk to somebody. It doesn't have to be me, it doesn't even have to be anyone in the department."

"I'm not hurting." Elliot said. "I'm angry. You want to know what she said to me? She asked if I even cared about the victim and if I had any interest in closing the case. That bastard killed Sam Turner's daughter _right under his nose_ and she thinks I don't care. She thinks I don't care!"

He paced the floor, running his hand through his hair. What he wouldn't give for a beer or a cigarette.

"You _know_ that I care. I fucking care."

"Elliot." Cragen said, standing. He walked around the desk, and stood in front of the detective. "Listen to me. _I_ know you care. But she doesn't; she's only known you for two days. Why don't you start acting like you care, and maybe she'll believe that you do."

Elliot shook his head, placing his hands on his hips.

"You've done this to every single one of the partners I've assigned you. You've even done it to John, Fin and me. It's time for it to end."

"You know what, I don't need her to know anything. It doesn't matter anyway; she'll probably be gone in a week. Or less, especially with this case."

Understanding flashed in the captain's eyes. "I should have known what this was about. If you can't handle this case, if you don't want it, you let me know now."

"This has nothing to do with the case and everything to do with this fireball you've saddled me with."

Cragen pursed his lips, and walked back around the desk, taking a seat. "Go home, Elliot. Go to the cemetery, do whatever you have to do, I just don't want to see you until tomorrow."

"Are you kidding me? I've done nothing, and I'm the one being punished?"

"I'm not trying to punish you. This case is just going to cause more unnecessary pain, I don't want to see you go through that."

"Well, isn't that my choice?"

"Not with this case. Please take care of yourself."

"So, what, I'm off the case?"

"I have to think about that. But, just so you know, if I _do_ take you off, it's only for your benefit."

Elliot walked out of the office, and felt Benson's eyes on him as he grabbed his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

* * *

><p>He didn't go home. Instead, he found himself standing in the cemetery in front of Maureen's grave, hands clasped tightly in front of him. "If you had to die… I'm just glad you didn't suffer."<p>

He took a shaking breath, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"I'm sorry."

He walked up to the headstone, leaned down, and pressed a kiss to the stone. A single tear slipped down his cheek as he left.

He didn't know what to do with himself after he left the cemetery. He drove around Queens for an hour, wondering what in the world he was going to do.

Finally, after draining a quarter of his gas tank, he left Queens and headed back to his apartment in Manhattan. After everything that had happened, he couldn't stay at the house. He sold it as quickly as he could, probably taking less than he should have for it, and got himself a small apartment in the heart of the city.

Dropping his keys onto the counter, he looked around the apartment. All of the lights were off, the shades were down, and it was completely silent. When he opened the fridge, all's he saw was a few Chinese takeout boxes, cold cuts and two cases of beer.

He took out the bag of roast beef and a bottle of beer. After eating a few slices, he took his beer and looked out the window. There was barely a cloud in the sky.

_"Daddy!" Maureen jumped up from her seat at the picnic table, and ran towards Elliot, who was dressed in his navy blue police uniform. _

_ Elliot lifted her into his arms, smiling widely. "Hi, Mo!"_

_ He walked over to the table, kissed Kathy and Kathleen, who was no more than a toddler, and set Maureen down on the bench. _

_ "Hi." Kathy said. "How was work?"_

_ "Did you catch any bad guys, Daddy?" Maureen asked. _

_ Elliot took the plate of food from Kathy, and smiled at his daughter. "Yes, I did. I caught a couple of bad guys. How was school?"_

_ "It was good! Mrs. Michaels taught us subtraction today!"_

Tears ran down Elliot's face. His throat hurt from trying to keep the sobs at bay. Suddenly, he knew what he was going to do for the rest of the night. He gulped down the rest of his beer, and walked into the kitchen for another one.

* * *

><p>"Have a nice vacation day?" Olivia asked when Elliot walked into the precinct the next morning.<p>

"I'm really not in the mood, Benson." Elliot took of his jacket, set it on the back of his chair and sat down. "What's the word on the case?"

"Well, I interviewed Tim Lee at the hospital again. He told me that he noticed a man following him a few days before the attack. I'm about to go to CSU to see if it was caught on camera."

"Let's go, then." Elliot said, standing. He grabbed his jacket, and headed towards the elevator. Olivia had to jog to catch up with him. He stood with his arms crossed, staring at the floor, thinking about the pounding headache that hadn't gone away since he'd woken up.

Olivia stared at Elliot for a moment. There were bags under his eyes, they were a bit bloodshot and, like always, his clothes were rumpled. She shook her head. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know what he had been doing the night before.

_Figures I would get stuck with a drunk as my first partner. _

"What do you have for us?" Elliot asked as they walked into the crime lab.

Morales looked up from the computer. "Lee's work sent over security footage. There's something you should see."

The tape started rolling, and Elliot watched as people walked down the sidewalk.

"There he is." Olivia pointed at a man several yards behind Tim. He was dressed in dark clothing with a baseball cap covering part of his face. Elliot leaned towards the computer monitor, looking over the suspect. No logos, no nametags, nothing that would identify the suspect. He sighed. "Is there any way you can blow that up?"

Morales nodded. "No problem."

Elliot watched as the picture zoomed into the man's face. By the time it was cleaned up, they had a decent picture of the suspect. Elliot took the picture that the lab tech printed out, and handed the other one to Olivia.

* * *

><p>"Do you recognize this man?" Olivia asked as she held out the picture for Mr. Lee to look at. He was still in the hospital; the injuries that the perpetrator had inflicted on him insured he would be there for at least another few days.<p>

Lee nodded. "That's the man I saw following me a few days before the attack."

"Did you see this man following you more than once?" Elliot asked.

"I think so… maybe two or three times. I didn't really pay very much attention, I just thought it was a coincidence." Tears formed in the man's eyes. "D-do you think this is the bastard that killed my little girl?"

Olivia bit her lip, hesitating. "We think there may be a connection."

The man broke down into tears. "I should have paid more attention. I-I should have done something. It's my fault she's dead."

_ "I d-don't want t-to die."_

Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat as his world started to spin.

_"I'm so tired, Daddy. Can I sleep now?"_

_ I can't stay in here._

Elliot slipped out of the hospital room, and took a few steps down the hall, trying his best to regain his composure.

He took a deep breath, and scrubbed his face with his hands, wishing he could scrub the memories away as well. Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all could shove it.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I have the next few chapters written already, so I decided to update pretty quick. Here you go!

* * *

><p>"So, what, you're not even sticking around for interviews?" Olivia asked as she left Lee's hospital room.<p>

"If you have a problem with the way I work, you take it up with Captain Cragen. Otherwise, why don't you stay focused on the case at hand?"

"Oh, I'm not like you. I'm actually trying to find the bastard that raped and murdered that man's daughter."

Fire rose in his chest, but he swallowed it back. He was trying his best to keep his feelings separate from the case, but it was becoming more and more difficult. He just hoped he could make it through before he couldn't stand it anymore.

* * *

><p>"Captain?" Olivia asked, standing in the doorway of the office.<p>

"What can I do for you, Olivia?" Cragen asked, looking up from his desk.

Olivia took a deep breath, and entered the office, closing the door behind her. "I have to talk to you about Detective Stabler."

Cragen looked up at Olivia, concern swimming in his eyes. "What about Detective Stabler?"

"I'd like a new partner." She said. "I know I've only been here for a few days, but I can't be partnered with Detective Stabler."

"What happened?"

"He's not treating me with respect, he left work early yesterday and he walked out on an interview today. He's unprofessional."

_You did a good job with this one, Elliot. Not only does she think you're an ass, she also thinks you don't do your job properly. _

"Elliot Stabler is a good detective. He's just going through a few personal issues right now that I really can't talk about. Please give him another chance. Be patient with him."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, sighing. "I don't really have a choice, do I? I'm just letting you know now, there's not much more I'll be able to let slide before I file an official complaint."

"I'll speak with him."

As soon as Olivia left his office, he closed his eyes for a moment, pain welling in his chest. He dropped his face into his hand.

_What am I going to do with you, Elliot? _

He couldn't fire Elliot; that wasn't even an option. If he lost this job, there would be nothing left for him and no one to keep him from completely going off the rails. Cragen was terrified that Elliot would end up with his gun under his chin somewhere again, and he wouldn't be there to stop the detective from actually ending it this time.

He walked to the doorway, and called Elliot into his office.

"Olivia is threatening to file an official complaint against you." Cragen said, sitting down at his desk.

Elliot dropped into the chair across from him. "Is she?"

"I know why you left that interview early, Elliot, and I'm not blaming you. I understand, but I'm taking you off the case."

"Don't."

"I'm sorry, Elliot. It's a conflict, you're just causing yourself more unnecessary pain."

Elliot leaned in. "I know I'm not showing it too much, but I need this case. There was… nothing I could do for my girls, no one to collar, no one to put the blame on. But this man… this man _witnessed _his own daughter suffer. I-I need to catch the guy. It may not make any sense, but I need to."

"You need to show some more professionalism around this office." Cragen said gently. "I know you're hurting; I know you're so deep into this hole that you think you can never get out. There's only one way to get out, and that's to get yourself out. I'm here for you to talk to, but you need to put the effort in."

Elliot stood, and paced the office for a long, silent moment. "In terms of my new partner… I really don't have a choice, do I? I'll try to be civil."

"And your… other issues?"

Elliot shook his head as he dropped back into the chair. "You know as well as I do that those are never going to go away. The best I can offer is being civil."

Cragen pursed his lips. "So you're just going to accept that you're going to suffer for the rest of your life?"

"I guess the only thing I can hope for is a short life."

Cragen was silent. Elliot started to get up, but the captain's voice stopped him. "Elliot."

"Yeah."

The captain took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with his detective. "I'd like you to give me your gun."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not suspending you, I'm not taking your badge. I would just like you to give me your gun. I'll give it back when you go out in the field."

"You know, if I wanted to kill myself, there are plenty of other ways to do it."

"I know." The captain said. "Just give me some peace of mind, will you?"

Elliot dropped his weapon onto the desk, and fled the office without so much as a second glance.

"We have a lead on our suspect." Olivia said as he walked back over to his desk. "Let's go."

Elliot grabbed his jacket and followed her out of the bullpen. "Who is it?"

"Jack Stahl, 32 years old. He's been convicted of assault in the first degree, rape and burglary."

She waited for a response, but it never came. He simply handed her the keys and got into the passenger seat.

_Not exactly the response I wanted, but I guess it's nothing I can complain about._

* * *

><p>Elliot banged on the door of Stahl's apartment. "Jack Stahl! Police, open the door!"<p>

He pressed his ear to the door, listening for movement. Once he heard banging and shuffling inside the apartment, he stepped back, kicked the door down, and rushed inside.

Stahl was climbing out of his window as the two detectives rushed inside. Elliot climbed out onto the fire escape, and climbed down the ladder. When he reached the bottom, he sprinted after Stahl.

His heart pounded. He turned left, chased Stahl down an alley, forced his legs to move faster. There was no way he was letting this piece of shit go. He dove, wrapped his arms around the fleeing man, and brought him to the ground. Stahl turned, tried to throw a punch at Elliot, but the detective was too fast. Red clouded his vision. He pictured the teenage girl that Stahl had tortured, the look on Tim Lee's face whenever the detectives asked him questions, and imagined how much pain the father must be in. He sent two quick jabs to the man's face, drawing blood, and was about to send a third when Olivia caught up to them.

"Stabler!" She shouted. "He's down!"

He glanced up at her, and got off of their suspect before cuffing him and reading him his rights.

* * *

><p>"Ready to go?" Cragen asked as Elliot and Olivia walked into the pit in front of Interview Room 2.<p>

Elliot stared at Stahl through the glass. Cragen saw the fire in his eyes. He nodded.

"Get in there, then."

"So, Mr. Stahl, care to explain why you tried to run from us?" Olivia asked.

"No, But thanks for asking." Stahl answered, looking Olivia up and down.

Elliot dropped a picture of Lee on the table. "How about this man? Know anything about him?"

"I've never seen him before."

Elliot scoffed. "Yeah, right. He identified you as the person following him for the past couple of weeks."

"Well, then, he must be mistaken. I don't know this man, so why would I follow him?"

Elliot leaned in. "So you could break into his home, rape his daughter, then kill her right in front of his eyes."

Stahl didn't even bat an eyelash. "So, I was convicted of rape, now you expect it to be me? I have never seen this man or his daughter. Too bad what happened to her, but I certainly didn't do it."

"Then you wouldn't have any problem with giving us a DNA sample." Olivia said. "Since you're innocent in all this."

"Actually, I do have a problem with it. I'm not giving you anything without a warrant."

"Forget the DNA." Elliot said. "You like an audience, right? That's why you did it in front of the girl's father. So tell me what you did."

Stahl was silent.

"Come on, Jack. Tell me what you did."

"Nothing."

Elliot snapped. Before he knew what he was doing, he had Jack pinned up against the wall and was yelling in his face. "I'm sick of the 'I'm innocent' routine, Stahl. You're going to tell me what happened and you're going to tell me now!"

Jack smirked. "You really want to know what happened? Huh? Why, you like that sort of thing? Hearing about rape, seeing rape… you participate, too?"

"No, I'd rather kick the shit out of sick fucks like you. And I've gotta tell you, I'm getting dangerously close, here."

A nasty smirk spread across Jack's face. "You're not going to do anything. Not when your job's on the line. You can't touch me."

"You think my boss would care about that? I gotta tell you, he saw what you did, and he wouldn't blame me for beating the shit out of you. Temporary insanity, brought on by the stress of trying to find an animal like you. I'd like to see that play out, what do you think?"

Fear twinkled in Stahl's eyes. Elliot had him right where he wanted him. "Benson, you think the captain's still out there, watching?" The detective turned towards his partner.

"No, I don't think so." Olivia said. "He was about to go back to his office when we came in."

"Alright, alright." Stahl said. "Since you want to know so bad, I participated. Followed that hump for a week or two, found out everything I could, then broke into the apartment while they were sleeping. I tied up the father, beat the daughter, then had a little fun with her. Want to know what that pussy father said during the whole thing? Want to know how he begged me to stop, to kill him instead?"

Elliot dropped Jack, and stepped back. "You're going to have a great time in prison, Stahl."

He left the interview room before he did something that he would really regret. Cragen stood on the other side, watching through the one-way glass.

"He flipped pretty fast." Cragen said.

"Bastard's proud of himself. He wanted to tell me, to brag about the sick things he did."

"You okay?"

"Fine." Elliot said after a moment. "I have to go see Tim Lee. Let him know the good news."

"You going to wait for your partner?" Cragen asked, watching Elliot walk out of the pit.

"Let her know for me, will you?"

And he was gone. Olivia walked out of the interview room a few minutes later. "Where's Stabler?"

"He went to go tell Lee the good news. You can meet him at the hospital. I'll have Stahl booked."

* * *

><p>Elliot walked into Lee's hospital room, but saw nothing but an empty bed. His eyebrows furrowed; he wasn't told that he'd been released.<p>

"Nurse." He called to the woman walking by. "Has Tim Lee been moved? He's not in here."

He saw the shock in the nurse's face. "No. He was there a few minutes ago."

_Shit. _

"How has he been doing over the past few days?" Elliot asked.

"Depressed. He doesn't eat much, doesn't talk much. I try my best to cheer him up a bit when I give him meals or check his vitals, but it doesn't ever work."

_He's going to try to kill himself. _

Elliot bolted towards the elevator. There was only one place he could think of where Tim would get the kind of privacy he wanted. It was the same place he had gone.

When he opened the door to the roof, his suspicions were confirmed. He saw Tim standing on the ledge with a thin hospital robe pulled tightly around him.

As soon as Elliot saw this, he was slammed with the memories. He swallowed. There was no way he could freeze this time. If he did, this man may end up dead.

"Tim?" He asked, walking slowly towards him.

Tim glanced at him. "I told him to kill me instead. I begged him to spare my daughter's life. He laughed at me. I wanted him to take my life; I knew that if he… if he killed my little girl, there was no way that I would want to live anymore. I-I can't do this."

"I understand." Elliot said softly, taking two more steps towards the ledge. He was only a few yards away now. "Come on, get down from there and we can talk about it together."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. I-I can't live like this, I just want the pain to stop."

"I know how much pain you must be going through." The detective walked all the way up to the ledge, only a few feet away from Tim now. "Believe me, I do. But this is no way to end it. What about your daughter? Would she want you to do this? She loved you, she would want you to go on."

Tim turned towards Elliot. His eyes were filled with tears. "You have no idea what it's like. Don't tell me you do."

Elliot pursed his lips, and pulled out his wallet. It took him this long to realize that his hands were shaking. "I'm sorry about walking out during our last talk. The things that you were saying… they brought back some memories that I'd rather forget. I had to recompose myself."

He opened the wallet, and pulled a crumpled picture out from behind his license. He looked down at it for a moment, and then held it out for Tim to take. In it, he and Kathy were standing next to each other. His arm was wrapped around her waist, and Maureen sat in his other arm with a huge smile on her face. Kathy held Kathleen.

Tim wiped his eyes as he looked at the picture. "This is your family?"

Elliot nodded. "That's my family."

"You're lucky to have them."

"I _was _lucky to have then." Elliot corrected. "About a year ago, I got a call from my captain while I was at the hospital interviewing a victim. He told me that they had been in an accident and he would be there as soon as he could. I was a mess by the time he arrived. And then he told me. My wife, Kathy, and my youngest, Kathleen died in the crash. I met the doctor and he told me that Maureen, my oldest, was still alive, but she probably wasn't going to my it through the night."

Elliot took a deep breath, trying his best to keep himself together. "I went into her room, and as soon as I saw her, I knew that, as much as I prayed, as much as I begged God to spare her, there was no way I could save her. I sat on her bed, held her in my arms, and… that's how she died."

"I'm sorry." Tim said, handing Elliot the picture.

"No parent should have to lose their child." Elliot said. "It's the worst pain imaginable. But this is no way to end it, Tim. Please get down from there."

"Does the pain ever get any better?" Tim whispered.

He couldn't tell the man the truth. If he did, there was no question that he would jump to his death. "Yes."

Tim turned completely towards the detective. "How long does it take? Right now, it feels like… like it will never get any better."

"I know." Elliot said. "I was there, I know exactly how you feel. It takes a while… but it'll happen."

"Has it happened to you?"

Elliot smiled weakly at him. And again, he lied. "It has started to."

He held out his hand. "C'mon. Get down from there and we can do this together, huh?"

Tim stared at Elliot's hand for a long moment, and then took it. Elliot took a sigh of relief as he helped the man down from the ledge.

_Thank God. _

He held Tim's arm as they walked towards the stairwell. When he saw that the door was open, though, he froze.

Detective Benson stood in the doorway, and judging from the look on her face, she had heard everything.

* * *

><p>AN: Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

_"My wife, Kathy, and my youngest, Kathleen died in the crash."_

_ "There was no way I could save Maureen. I sat on her bed, held her in my arms, and… that's how she died."_

Olivia sat in the car next to Elliot as they drove back to the precinct. He hadn't said a word to her since he saw her up on the roof.

_Is it true? Did he really lose his family? _

_ He wouldn't lie about something like that… would he? _

"Elliot…" It was the first time she called him by his first name.

She watched him as he cringed, and kept silent.

"Listen, maybe we should talk-

"Nothing to talk about." He said, pulling into his parking lot in front of the precinct. "We're here."

He jumped out of the car, and strode towards the door, fumbling with his pack of cigarettes as he went. Olivia sighed, running her hand through her hair.

_I'm going to have to have another talk with the captain. _

She got out of the car, and headed towards the entrance of the building.

"I'll meet you inside, then." She said as she passed Elliot.

* * *

><p>Elliot left at six o'clock that afternoon. After peaking his head into the captain's office for a moment, he grabbed his jacket, one of the files on his desk, and left without saying a word to her.<p>

Later, when the bullpen was half empty, she walked into the captain's office and closed the door behind her.

"Captain?" She asked. "I need to talk to you about something."

"What can I do for you, Detective?" He asked, gesturing towards the chair in front of him.

"It's about my partner." She began, wondering how to proceed. "I heard him say a few things to our victim this afternoon, and… I was just wondering…"

"If they were true?" Cragen finished.

Olivia bit her lip. "Well, yes. I mean… I don't think he would lie about something like that, especially with a victim, but... I just wanted to get the full story. I don't think it's fair for me to treat him the way I have been without knowing all of the facts."

Cragen pursed his lips. "There's something you need to understand about Elliot, Olivia. The way he's been acting towards you… it's not because he doesn't like you. In fact, I don't think he has feelings about you one way or the other. He pushes people away because he's afraid."

"Because of what happened to his family." Olivia said.

"How much do you know?"

"Just that his wife and two daughters died."

Cragen stood, and walked past Olivia. She got up, and watched him from the doorway as he opened the bottom drawer of Elliot's desk. He returned with a framed photograph, and handed it to her.

He pointed to each of the women in the photo as he said their names. "Kathy. Maureen. Kathleen."

Olivia stared at the man in the picture. He looked like a completely different person. He was clean shaven, his eyes were wide and sparkling, and she could see the happiness radiating off of him, even if it was just a photograph.

She bit her lip. Everything was starting to make sense… Elliot wasn't just a detective with a chip on his shoulder. He didn't think he was better than her. He was a grieving husband and father that just couldn't let go. She didn't blame him for that.

"Jesus." She whispered. "The way I treated him…"

"That's the way he wanted you to treat him."

"Why would he want that?"

"I've been trying to figure that out for a long time." Cragen sighed. "I just don't want you to think so badly of him. He's going through a really rough time, I think you can see that now."

Olivia nodded. "I see it."

* * *

><p>Elliot dreaded going to work the next morning. Correction: he dreaded seeing his partner the next morning.<p>

_Maybe she didn't hear that much. Maybe I can lie my way out of this one. _

_ I doubt it. She was there the whole time; she knows everything. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been looking at me the way she was._

He arrived at the precinct before she did. When she did walk into the bullpen, she didn't mention anything about what she heard the day before. They got right to work, and by the time five o'clock rolled around, they caught two more cases, both rape victims.

"Hey, I need to talk to you." Olivia said just after the clock ticked passed six.

Elliot didn't even look up from his paperwork. "Little busy right now."

"It's important." She said. "You can take a few minutes to talk to me."

"You think a rape victim is less important than a little chat?"

Olivia looked down at the paperwork that sat on the top of Elliot's desk. "I don't think that at all. But you're not working on a rape case, you're filling out paperwork on the one we just closed."

_Shit, she caught me. _

"It's only going to be a few minutes. Please."

Elliot sighed, and stood. "Alright. But not here."

He didn't know what possessed him to say yes to this woman. After all, he knew exactly what she was going to say. She was going to tell him that she knew everything and she understood how he felt. Even though she didn't.

They walked out of the bullpen and down the hallway a ways, away from curious ears. "Listen, I think we should talk about what happened yesterday. On the roof of the hospital."

"I stopped a man from committing suicide." Elliot said. "I don't know what you think you heard, but that's it."

Olivia took a deep breath. "I heard everything. I spoke with Cragen. I know it wasn't my place, and I'm sorry, I just needed to understand."

"Well, congratulations, now you know. Keep it to yourself." Elliot said, and turned to walk away.

_Thanks, Cragen. How could I expect you to keep my personal life private?_

_That look in her eyes... that's exactly what I __didn't_ _want._

"Wait." Olivia grabbed his arm.

"What do you want from me now, a detailed account? If you heard everything I said up on that roof, you should already have that." Elliot snapped.

"I know you don't want to talk about it." Olivia said. "Hell, I know you don't even want me to know about it. I'm sorry if I breached your trust by going to Cragen, if I even had any of your trust in the first place. But I just want you to know that, even if we got off to a pretty rocky start, I'm your partner and I'm here for you."

She released his arm, and before she could even blink, he was halfway back down the hall.

_Great, that went well. _

"You know, she's only trying to help." Cragen stood next to the door of his office, arms crossed, as Elliot walked by.

"Yeah?" Elliot approached him. "Well, I didn't ask for her help."

Cragen pulled the detective into his office, and closed the door. "Really? You sure as hell need _someone's_."

Elliot sat down. "Well, what if I don't want help?" He mumbled, staring down at the floor. He hadn't been fine before, not even close, but it was much easier to be the asshole than have everyone feel sorry for him. That's what Olivia was… he could see the pity in her eyes when she spoke to him. She had been _nice_ to him. He didn't want it, didn't deserve it, and couldn't stand it.

"When I told Olivia, she felt horrible." Cragen said gently. "She deserved to know the truth, and you deserve a friend. You're a good man, and a good detective. I don't want to lose you. And make no mistake, if you keep going down this path, I will lose you."

"She pitied me. You pity me. I can't stand it." The last part came out in a whisper. "I don't deserve it."

Cragen's heart broke. _He lost his family in an accident, and he thinks he doesn't deserve a friend?_

"Listen to me. What happened to your wife and daughters was a tragedy. One that you_ couldn't have prevented. _You've been beating yourself up for long enough, son. It's time to let yourself off the hook."

"You think I haven't tried doing that? You think I _enjoy_ being... like _this_?" Elliot snorted, but the charade quickly fell, and Cragen saw the deep sorrow in his eyes. "I don't. But... the alternative…"

"It scares you." Cragen realized. "Why?"

"Doesn't matter." Elliot mumbled, standing. "See you tomorrow."

"Elliot, wait."

The detective turned as Cragen took a business card on his desk. "You really want to change, to feel better? Call her."

Elliot stared at the card in Cragen's outstretched hand, debating whether he should take it or not.

"I don't want to see a shrink. You know that."

_I've told you before._

"Alright, let me ask you something." Cragen set the card down on the desk. "How did you feel when you talked Tim off that roof?"

Elliot shrugged. "Better."

"Really? Why?"

Elliot shrugged. "Saved a life."

"That's not the only reason."

"I… I thought that he could get better. I-if he didn't want to die, then… there was a chance for him."

"Why is it so different for you? You told me you don't like how things are going right now, so what's stopping you from changing and getting better, too?"

Elliot stood in front of the desk for a long moment, simply staring at the card on the desk. Finally, he took it and turned to leave. "See you tomorrow."

An hour later, he sat on the couch, balancing a cigarette between his lips. He held the card in both hands in front of him.

_She's going to make me relive every painful moment and everything that has happened. Do I really want to go through that, just because she _may _be able to help? Do I even deserve help? _

_ Maybe she can help me stop hating myself so much. _

Elliot reached for his cellphone, and dialed the number slowly. His finger hovered over the 'call' button.

_Maybe Cragen and Benson are right. Maybe I do deserve some help. _

_ But what if it doesn't work? At least with the asshole routine, I won't have to deal with any more pain than I've already got._

He set his cigarette in the ashtray, and stabbed the 'call' button with his thumb without even thinking.

"Doctor Reilly, how can I help you?"

"Yeah, um… my name is Elliot Stabler. I'd like to make an appointment."

"Mr. Stabler! Captain Cragen told me you may be calling. It's good to hear from you, when would you like to schedule your appointment?"

"Whenever you have an opening, I guess." Elliot mumbled, utterly embarrassed at what he was doing. He knew that he shouldn't be, but he simply couldn't help it.

"Well, I have one tomorrow for five in the evening. How does that sound for you?"

"Oh, um… that's a little soon, isn't it?"

"The sooner the better, Mr. Stabler. I'll write you in for five o'clock, alright?"

Elliot took a deep breath. "Okay. See you then."

When he hung up the phone, he grabbed his cigarette and fell back against the couch, sighing heavily.

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this."

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think in a review! All feedback is greatly appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

"Welcome, Detective Stabler." Doctor Reilly said as Elliot walked into her office. "May I call you Elliot?"

"Sure." He answered, taking a seat on the couch.

"Excellent. Now, I don't want you to feel nervous or embarrassed. Just remember that I'm here to help, not to judge. Do you think you can do that?"

Elliot took a deep breath. "I can try."

_What the hell have I gotten myself into?_

"Good. That's all I can ask for. Now, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

"You talked to Cragen, right?" Elliot asked. "Didn't he already tell you about me?"

"Yes." Reilly answered. "But I'd like to hear it from you."

"Okay. Well, um… I'm a detective for the Manhattan Special Victim's Unit. I've been a cop for about ten years. I live in Manhattan."

"And why are you here?"

Elliot frowned, and his gaze flickered down to his hands. "You should already know that."

"One of the most important steps of recovering from what you're going through is admittance. How can you expect to get better if you won't even admit why you have a problem?"

_Just say it. They're just words. You told Tim Lee, how is this any different? _

_ It's just different. He was about to commit suicide. _

"I know it must be painful to say out loud."

"I'm here because…" Elliot swallowed. "My wife and two daughters were killed about a year ago."

"Why did you wait so long to talk to someone?"

"I didn't want help."

"Why not?"

Elliot shrugged. "I just didn't. I thought I could handle it on my own. Clearly that wasn't the case."

"Captain Cragen told me he thinks you're depressed. What do you think about that?"

_Of course he did. _

"Obviously there's something wrong with me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here."

"I'm going to ask you a very personal question. I need you to be completely honest when you answer it. Do you think you can do that?"

He looked back up at the doctor, suddenly feeling very nervous. "Depends on what it is."

"Do you ever think of suicide?"

Elliot stood slowly, and walked to the window. Outside, the sky was clear. The sun was just starting to go down, and the street below was clogged with traffic.

_Wow, she jumped right in on that one. _

"Elliot?"

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Like I said, I'm not here to judge. I just want to know what's going on in that head."

"I'm not going to commit suicide." Elliot said, turning towards her. "Is that what you want to hear? I'm not going to."

"That's not what I want to hear." Reilly said. She remained on the couch, giving Elliot the space he needed. "I want to hear the truth about what you're feeling. That's the only way I'll be able to help you. After all, that's why you're here, isn't it?"

Elliot nodded, and sat back down on the couch. "Suppose so."

"Then please answer the question."

Elliot paused. "If I tell you, are you going to lock me up in some psych ward?"

"I'm not going to send you anywhere unless I truly feel like you're a danger to yourself. Does that sound fair?"

"I guess so." Elliot said. He cleared his throat, and rubbed his hands together. "I've thought about it."

"How often?"

He shrugged. "Pretty often."

"Every day?"

"Almost."

"Would you ever actually end your life, Elliot?"

He couldn't even look the doctor in his eyes. He felt like the lowest of the low.

_This is why you're here. Talk to her; tell her how you're feeling. _

"I lost the people that mattered the most to me, my new partner, who hated me two days ago, now looks at me like I'm a lost puppy, and my captain is terrified that I'm going to kill myself. Worst of all, he probably should be." Elliot sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands. "I'm just so sick of it all. I can't stop myself from thinking that… that it would be easier."

"How would it be easier?"

Elliot shrugged.

"Come on, you were doing so well. You can tell me."

"Why all these questions? This isn't helping me, it's just…"

"Just what?"

He stood once more, pacing across the room. "It's just making me feel like shit."

"It's going to get worse before it gets better. You just have to trust me."

Elliot stared at the woman for a moment before his gaze went back down to his feet. Even if he wanted to speak, he felt like his jaw was locked and his voice had been stolen. _  
><em>

"Elliot?"

_They would want you to talk. _

"It would be easier because I wouldn't have to deal with all of this pain all the time." Elliot finally said.

"What's keeping you from ending it, then?"

"The same reasons that are making me want to end it."

"You want to live for your family." Reilly said. She was answered with a nod. "You know, you should try to live for yourself, too. Maybe then you'll actually _want _to live."

Elliot finally looked up at her. "Live for what? They were… everything. "

"I understand that; believe me, I do. But that's what I'm going to help you with. We can figure out what you can do together, alright?"

He nodded silently.

_Yeah, right. _

"Alright. That's just about all the time we have for today." Reilly said. She wrote a few things on her notepad. "Captain Cragen told me about your partner. Before our next session, I'd like you to try to get to know her better. You need a friend, someone you can support you, and it sounds like she's willing. Do you think you can do that?"

Elliot frowned. "The only reason she's willing to even talk to me is because she feels sorry for me."

"So, give her another reason."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Olivia." Elliot jogged to catch up with Olivia as she walked down the hall of the precinct, getting ready to go out on her lunch break.<p>

"Yeah?"

"Listen, why don't we grab lunch together?" He asked.

"Wow, you actually want something to do with me?"

"Not really. But I figure you'll be around for a while, so I might as well pretend to like you."

Olivia chuckled as they walked into the elevator. "Yeah, that's a good idea. Maybe I'll give you a break if I think you can stand me."

They walked out of the building, and Olivia headed towards the car while Elliot headed in the opposite direction.

"Where are we going?"

"The place is only a little ways down the road." Elliot took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, and lit up as they walked. "Unless you want to sit in bumper to bumper traffic for a half an hour."

He blew out a puff of smoke as they walked, and flicked a piece of ash off of the end of the white stick onto the sidewalk. Olivia's eyes burned through him as he did it. He didn't have to be a detective to know what she thought about his smoking; she disdained it from day one. He wasn't sure why… it's not like they were friends, anyway.

The diner that they walked into was small, and not very busy at all. They got a table next to the window, ordered their food, and sat in silence.

Elliot knew what he wanted to say to her, but he couldn't find the words. Why did this have to be so hard?

"Listen." He began, toying with the napkin in front of him. "I know we got off on the wrong foot. It's… just been really hard for me lately. That's not really an excuse, and you really didn't deserve it…"

"Elliot." She interrupted. "I understand. You don't have to explain yourself to me."

Elliot nodded once, and turned back towards his lunch. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>When five o'clock hit, Olivia said goodbye to him, grabbed her coat and left the bullpen.<p>

"Are you going to leave any time soon?" Cragen asked, approaching Elliot's desk.

"Probably not." The detective answered, typing into the database on the screen of his computer. "I have to look through the video footage to see if the camera caught our suspect, and then I should go interview the victim again…"

"That can wait until tomorrow, you know." The captain said gently. "Why don't you go home and try to sleep?"

Elliot gave the captain a weak smile. "I've had one session with Reilly. That doesn't mean I can completely turn my life around."

Cragen leaned against the desk. "I know. But that doesn't mean I can't hope, does it? After all, you've got to start somewhere."

"You're right, I do have to start somewhere."

The captain nodded. "Alright. Just don't stay here all night, okay?"

"Can't promise anything."

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Elliot finally turned off his computer and pushed his chair in. He looked around the precinct, sighing.<p>

_I really don't want to go to that empty apartment._

Instead, he climbed the stairs to the crib, and laid down in his usual bunk. The soothing sounds of the city lulled him to sleep.

_ "Daddy!"_

_ Elliot stood on the sidewalk, frozen. Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen drove by in slow motion. He tried to move, tried to call out to them, but nothing came out. At the end, he even tried to close his eyes to keep the images out of his head, but he couldn't even do that. A speeding car blew through a stop sign, and slammed into his family's car. _

_ Finally, he could move. He ran towards the car, but before he saw the mangled mess, everything went black. _

Elliot shot up from the bed, gasping for breath. He looked around for a moment, recognized where he was, and sighed. He sat on the edge of the bunk, and dropped his face into his hands. It was the first time he'd had one of those nightmares in days... to say he wasn't prepared for it would be an understatement.

The solitary room suffocated him. _I have to get out of here. _He changed into a new button up shirt at quickly as he could, grabbed his leather jacket, and took the steps two at a time up to the roof.

He pulled on his jacket, and took a deep breath.

_"Daddy!"_

He grasped the railing, leaning over the side of the building. _I feel like I'm going to be sick._

Before he could think about heaving himself over the side of the building, his phone started to ring. "Yeah." He croaked.

_"Elliot? You sound like shit."_ Cragen said. _"You okay?"_

"Fine. Did we catch a case? I'll be down in a minute."

_"Don't bother. I'll get you the address of the crime scene."_

* * *

><p>"What have we got?" Elliot asked Olivia as he got out of his car.<p>

"Twenty-two to twenty-five years old female." Olivia said, turning towards the scene. "Melinda's with her now."

He squatted next to the body. The young woman was pale, still, and blood covered the side of her head. "Any sexual assault?"

"It looks like it. I won't know for sure until I get her onto the table." Melinda said, standing next to Elliot.

Elliot nodded. "I'm guessing she died from that crater in the side of her head?"

"Blunt force trauma. It looks like the victim was moved from a different location. She was killed over twelve hours ago."

"And we have no idea where the actual crime scene is." Elliot said. He shook his head, moving away from the body. "Great."

Olivia glanced at Elliot as he walked away, reaching into his jacket pocket. _For his cigarettes, most likely. _

She spoke with Melinda for a moment longer, and followed her partner to the edge of the crime scene, wondering silently if she should ask him about his behavior.

Elliot finished lighting up the cigarette, took a drag from it, and turned towards her. "They found an I.D. on her, right?"

"Yes." Olivia said. "Are you okay? You seem… off."

The detective shook his head, heading towards the sedan. "Let's just get to the address on the I.D." He muttered, flicking a piece of ash off of the end of his cigarette.

Olivia followed him to the car, and they pulled away from the scene.

"Listen, if something's bothering you-

"There's _always_ something bothering me." Elliot snapped. "Haven't you noticed that by now? Some detective you are."

_Great job, asshole. You're supposed to be making friends. _

He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face as they stopped at a red light. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay. I didn't think you were going to change overnight, Elliot, and you shouldn't either." Olivia gave him a small smile. "Just give yourself some time. Be patient."

He fidgeted in his seat, feeling immensely uncomfortable with sharing his emotions with this woman that he barely knew, and that hated him only a few days earlier. "Okay."

"That doesn't sound very convincing." She said gently, nudging his shoulder. "C'mon. Maybe if you start pretending not to be miserable, you may not be for a little while."

He smiled slightly, and glanced at her. "Alright. I can't promise anything, but… I'll try."

"That's all I ask for."

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks for reading. Please take the time to review so I know what you guys think. I only got feedback from three people last time, and I know that there are more reading. I don't need a whole huge paragraph, just a couple of sentences or so saying what you liked, didn't like or want to see more of. It only takes a moment and it will only make the story better. :)

Stabson


	9. Chapter 9

Informing the parents of the young woman that their daughter was dead didn't help his sour mood. In fact, the encounter just made it worse. He smoked half a cigarette on his way back out to the car, and leaned against it, taking a deep breath. Olivia stood next to him, silent for a moment.

"How old was your daughter, Maureen?" She asked.

Elliot blew out a puff of smoke, and swallowed, debating on whether or not he should bother answering the question.

"Elliot?"

_What could it hurt?_

"She was ten." Elliot said finally. "Kathleen was seven."

"What did they like to do?"

Familiar pain rose in his chest. He shook his head, flicked the rest of his cigarette onto the pavement, and headed towards the door of the vehicle. "We have to go."

"Elliot." She grabbed his arm, holding him where he was. "Let me ask you something. Over the short time that I've been working with you, have I given you any reason to believe I'd try to hurt you?"

"I guess not." Elliot said after a moment.

"Any reason to believe that my motives are any different than I've said?"

"No."

"Then please, just trust me."

He stared at her for a long moment. "Maureen loved to read. She was so smart, she… she was a straight-A student. Kathleen… she loved soccer. We used to play together all the time. Whenever I had a day off during the summer, we… we went to the park, we had picnics, we…"

A lump rose in his throat. He held back the tears that had quickly crept up on him, and turned away from her. He couldn't let her see him cry.

"Elliot…" She whispered, resting her hand on his shoulder. He surprised them both when he didn't pull away from her.

A moment later, he turned towards her. His eyes were red and a tear tract ran down his face. "You really do care, don't you?"

She smiled at him, and nodded. "Yeah. I really do."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "No one should have to go through something like this alone. You're my partner; I'm supposed to have your back, aren't I?"

"Suppose so." Elliot said, scrubbing his face with his hands, getting all the tears out.

"So why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

"It's just been on my mind a lot recently." He admitted, staring down at the cracked pavement. "Last night… was a rough night."

"Rough?"

Elliot nodded, swallowing down the agitation and the urge to push her away. She was simply trying to help.

"How rough?"

"I, uh… had a nightmare. It wasn't… wasn't pleasant."

Olivia placed a hand on his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "We should get back to the station."

They got into the car, and Elliot pulled out of the hospital parking lot, heading back towards the 1-6. He felt Olivia's eyes on him for a long moment, but chose to ignore it, staring straight ahead.

"Want to grab a drink with me tonight?"

He glanced at her. "What?"

"Grab a drink with me." Olivia repeated. "You're probably going to go home and get drunk tonight, anyway, aren't you? At least let me keep you company for a little while."

Every cell in his body screamed no.

_What are you thinking? You can't possibly say yes to this. _

_ She just wants to grab a drink. We can be friends. _

_ And get hurt again? _

_ She told me herself that she wasn't trying to cause me pain. _

_ Neither were Kathy and the kids. People don't have to try to hurt you. _

_ I'm hurting anyways. _

"We'll see." Elliot said.

The answer seemed to satisfy her.

It wouldn't satisfy her later in the evening, though, when everyone was packing up to head home. She approached him as he slipped his jacket on. "So how about that drink?"

_It's a drink. What could it hurt? Worse case scenario, you sit at the bar awkwardly and leave after the first one. It's just a drink between partners. You used to do it all the time. _

"Alright, I'll have a drink with you." He said finally.

She smiled. "Great."

They drove to the bar in silence. When they got there, he ordered a beer, and took a long swig. She sat down beside him.

"So, what's up? Feel so sorry for me you had to make sure I didn't drink alone?" Elliot asked, turning to her.

"I didn't want you to drink alone." She said. "I just wanted to get to know you. You're my partner, after all."

"There's not much to know." Elliot answered. "I mean, you already know about… well, you know."

"There's a lot more to you than that, Elliot."

"How do you know that? You've known me for a couple of weeks."

Olivia shrugged. "I just know."

Elliot turned away from her, the conversation becoming entirely too personal. He sipped at his beer, staring at the top of the bar.

"Can I tell you something?" Olivia asked.

"I guess so."

The female detective took a deep breath. "There's a reason I joined the Special Victim Unit."

"What's that?" Elliot asked, turning towards her. He had to admit, his interest was peaked, especially when he saw the look on her face. It was a mix of pain and apprehension, something that he definitely was not used to.

"My mother was raped." Olivia whispered. "That's how she got pregnant with me. I never knew my father, and my mother… well, every time she saw me, I reminded her of him and what he did to her."

"She abused you."

"Physically and emotionally." Olivia said, nodding.

He tried to shove down the emotion in his chest, but it was no use. The detective and father inside of him stirred. "Olivia…"

"I didn't tell you that so you would feel bad for me, Elliot, so please don't. I've accepted it, and moved on."

"Then why did you tell me?"

Olivia shrugged. "I didn't think it was fair for you to lay your soul to bare without anything in return."

_She really does care. She really does just want to help. _

Elliot looked her over, wondering silently what he could say to that. He dealt with abused children on a daily basis, hell, he went through much of the same thing when he was a kid, but in this situation, he felt completely lost. She was the stable one, the one that had everything under control. He was supposed to be the one that was a complete wreck.

_You're not the only one that bad things have happened to. _

"I'm sorry about your mother." He said finally. "You were just a kid; you didn't deserve any of that."

"I'm sorry about your family. None of you deserved that."

Elliot shrugged, fiddling with his beer bottle. "Well, there's nothing really I can do about it."

"That's where you're wrong."

He looked up at her, eyebrows furrowed. "Unless I can somehow change the past, I don't think I am."

Olivia placed her hand over his on the bar top, and leaned in. "You can't do anything about their deaths. But there's something that you can do for yourself."

"What's that?"

"Get better, move on, and try to be happy again." Olivia said. "I didn't know them, and I'm not going to pretend that I did, but I bet they wouldn't want to see you like this."

Elliot pursed his lips, and nodded. "You're right."

Olivia stared at him for a moment, clearly thrown off. She obviously hadn't expected him to agree with her so easily. He smiled sadly at her. "I know what they would have wanted. I think about it every day. That's… why I'm still here today, why I haven't…"

She waited for him to finish, but he didn't. "Haven't what?" She asked finally.

He stared at her for a moment. "You can guess, can't you?"

_Why I haven't ended it. _

"I guess I can." She saw the sorrow in his eyes, and immediately wanted to take it away. "Tell me something else about you."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, anything. Unless, of course, you want to keep talking about this."

"I'm good." Elliot said, finishing off his drink. "Alright. I like beer."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I think I already know that, Elliot."

"Hey, you said tell you something about me. You didn't say it had to be something you didn't already know."

Olivia nudged his shoulder, holding back the chuckle. "Come on. Seriously."

"Alright, alright." He thought for a moment. "I like baseball."

"Baseball?" Olivia repeated.

"Yup. Used to go to the Mets games whenever I got the chance. I even took Maureen to a few of them." He frowned, staring down at his bottle. "Kathleen… she was too young. I never got to take her."

"But you don't go anymore."

Elliot shrugged. "It just doesn't seem as important as it used to. I don't even watch the games on TV anymore."

Olivia nodded thoughtfully. She couldn't imagine Elliot sitting at a baseball game… then again, she hadn't known him when he loved it. "You should go to another game, Elliot."

Elliot shook his head. "I dunno…"

"At least think about it."

Elliot dropped a bill on the bar, and stood. "I'll think about it. Thanks for convincing me to come out, but I should get home. See you tomorrow."

Elliot was distant again the next day. Try as she might, Olivia couldn't get him to talk about anything other than the case they were working, never mind the night before. They dropped by CSU, the morgue, conducted two interviews, and other that period of time, he said about three words to her. Finally, she had enough.

"Listen, you were pretty open last night. Are you just going to give me the cold shoulder all day today?" She asked. "What is it, Elliot?"

_I swear, this man has more mood swings than a teenage girl. _

Elliot shook his head. "Nothing. Let's just work this case, okay?"

She knew what would happen if she kept pushing him; she knew that one night would not change much, but she could always hope. "Well, we have a suspect. Let's get over to Wesley Bourisk's apartment and see what he's up to."

* * *

><p>Elliot banged on Wesley Bourisk's apartment door for the second time, and just like before, there was no answer. He turned to Olivia, shrugging. "No one's home."<p>

"Wait a second." Olivia said, her eyes glued to a spot on the floor. "Look, Elliot."

He looked down, and saw exactly what Olivia was staring at. "Blood."

Three small, but fresh drops of blood were just starting to set in the carpet.

"Probable cause enough." He said, taking out his gun. "Ready?"

Olivia nodded, stepping to one side of the door. Elliot kicked the door in, and hustled inside, scanning the room for threats. At the window, Bourisk was ducking through for the fire escape. Elliot ran after him. "Benson, fire escape!"

He stuck his head out the window, saw their suspect heading up the stairs, and followed. Bourisk was already two flights ahead of him, but he sprinted, quickly making up the distance. Ahead of him, Bourisk climbed onto the roof and disappeared.

When Elliot made it up to the roof, he rose his gun, and began the search. Behind him, he heard Olivia climb onto the roof. "Where is he?"

Elliot didn't answer. "Bourisk, come on out. There's nowhere to go, just come quietly and no one has to get hurt."

"Put down your guns down and I might believe you." Wesley stepped out from behind the door to the roof, handgun raised, pointed directly at Elliot.

"Neither of us are putting down out guns until you put down yours." Elliot said, taking careful aim as Olivia walked up next to him. "It's two on one. Those odds don't sound too good for you. Come on, be smart here."

"Neither of you are going to risk your partner's life, though, are you?" Wesley asked, aiming at Elliot's head. "If one of you fires, I could get off a shot before the bullet even hits me. What about those odds?"

"If you shoot him, I'll have no choice but to shoot you." Olivia said. "I know you don't want to die."

Bourisk turned his aim towards Olivia. "Oh, yeah? Well, what if I shoot you?"

"Don't even think about it." Elliot said, clenching his gun tightly. Fear and anger clenched at his heart. No one pointed a gun at his partner.

Bourisk glared at Elliot for a moment. "What, are you going to shoot me?"

Elliot watched as his finger tightened around the trigger, and he knew. _He's going to shoot. _

His body acted on its own accord. Before he even knew what was happening, his gun fell to the pavement, and he sprinted towards his partner. A gun went off. Pain shot through his chest. Another gun went off. His back was against the pavement, and a warm, sticky substance spread over his chest.

_What the hell just happened? _

Olivia caught her breath, and stared at the two bodies on the ground. _What the hell just happened? _She yelled into her radio as she scrambled to her partner. "10-13, 10-13, officer down!"

The last few moments repeated themselves in her memory. Elliot dropped his gun and ran towards her. He reached her just in time to catch the Bourisk's bullet, meant to strike her, and just as the bullet struck him, his shoulder plowed into her, sending her to the ground. She got the shot off just in time, hitting Wesley Bourisk in the chest.

"Elliot! Jesus Christ, what did you just do?" Olivia pressed both palms over the wound in an attempt to slow the blood loss.

He stared up at her, and she immediately saw pain clouding his eyes. He opened his mouth, tried to say something, but nothing came out. She watched in horror as his eyes slid shut.

* * *

><p>AN: Uh-oh...

Please let me know what you guys think!


	10. Chapter 10

_What the hell did I just do? _

_Saved my partner's life. And may have ended my own. _

"Elliot. Hey, come on. Open those eyes." Her palm pressed into his gunshot wound, sending waves of pain through his body.

_Jesus Christ, just let me die. _

Despite the thought, his eyes opened slowly, and he stared up at her. Her eyes were watery; she looked like she was going to cry at any moment.

"Why the hell did you do that?" She asked softly.

"You're my partner." He said simply. His breathing was growing shallow and the part of his chest where the bullet hit was starting to numb. His eyes closed once more, the exhaustion and the cold setting in. He'd been shot his fair share of times, so he knew very well what happened after, but this phase was the deepest that he'd ever felt. Maybe he'd let himself go, he mused. It technically wouldn't be suicide, would it? He saved his partner, that would save him a spot in Heaven, right? Then he would at least get to see his daughters and wife again.

"I know what you're doing, Elliot." She said. "Come on, fight this. I know you can."

He could. Problem was, he really didn't want to. What was the point, anyway? What part of this miserable life was worth fighting for?

_"Tell me something else about you."_

_"Like what?"_

_"I don't know, anything."_

_Elliot finished off his drink. "Alright. I like beer."_

_Olivia rolled her eyes. "I think I already know that, Elliot."_

_"Hey, you said tell you something about me. You didn't say it had to be something you didn't already know."_

_Olivia nudged his shoulder, holding back the chuckle. "Come on. Seriously."_

_That was one moment of happiness. Hell, it wasn't even really happiness, was it? Just a moment of not being miserable. Who's to say it will ever happen again? _

_Olivia wants it to happen again. _

_Olivia will get sick of trying to help your sorry ass, and she'll leave you just like all of your other partners did. _

"Elliot, listen to me." She leaned in close. "This doesn't have to be the end. Just keep fighting, please."

The pleading in her voice did something to him that he didn't think was possible. It made him think. Through the haze of pain and blood loss, he remembered the care she had displayed for him. He didn't realize this could have happened; he didn't think that anyone could ever make him want to live again. But that was precisely what she was doing, and he had no idea how.

_"You know, you should try to live for yourself, too. Maybe then you'll actually want to live."_

_Elliot finally looked up at her. "Live for what? They were… everything. "_

_"I understand that; believe me, I do. But that's what I'm going to help you with. We can figure it out together, alright?"_

_Maybe… just maybe…_

He groaned as Olivia pressed harder, trying her best to stop the blood. He heard sirens wailing, and knew that it was the bus, coming to try to save his life. The life that he didn't even want anymore… or so he thought. Now that he was laying on the ground, those thoughts, the thoughts of just letting himself go, the older thoughts of ending it himself, were coming into question. Did he really want this? Did he really want Olivia to witness this? He knew that she would blame herself if he did die; she would torture herself, going back and forth, thinking of every possible little thing that she could have done to prevent his death.

_It wouldn't be her fault, though. There was nothing she could have done, I jumped in front of that bullet all on my own. _

_It wasn't her fault. It isn't her fault. Maybe… maybe it wasn't _my_ fault, either._

Elliot's eyes snapped open, and he looked up at his partner.

_"How old was your daughter, Maureen?" Olivia asked. _

_"She was ten. Kathleen was seven."_

_"What did they like to do?"_

_"We have to go."_

_"Elliot, let me ask you something. Over the short time that I've been working with you, have I given you any reason to believe I'd try to hurt you?"_

_"I guess not." Elliot said after a moment._

_"Any reason to believe that my motives are any different than I've said?"_

_"No."_

_"Then please, just trust me."_

_He stared at her for a long moment. "Maureen loved to read. She was so smart, she… she was a straight-A student. Kathleen… she loved soccer. We used to play together all the time. Whenever I had a day off during the summer, we… we went to the park, we had picnics, we…"_

_"Elliot…" She whispered, resting her hand on his shoulder. _

_He turned towards her. His eyes were red and a tear tract ran down his face. "You really do care, don't you?"_

_She smiled at him, and nodded. "Yeah. I really do."_

_"Why?"_

_She shrugged. "No one should have to go through something like this alone. You're my partner; I'm supposed to have your back, aren't I?"_

Elliot reached for her hand, and squeezed as hard as he could. "Liv… I'm not going anywhere."

"That's right, you're not." She said, a single tear slipping down her face. "Just hang on for another minute."

His mind was starting to grow hazy. He felt her squeeze his hand, heard her beg him not to give up yet, and then there were more bodies around him, tending it him, moving him carefully onto a stretcher. In the ambulance, she sat over him, talking to him. He couldn't hold on anymore. His eyes closed, and he knew no more.

Much later, he came back to reality. His eyes didn't open quite yet; he tried his best to reorient himself.

_I was shot. I was shot… saving my partner. I almost died. I wanted to live. She was there, she was… talking to me._

Finally, his eyes opened slowly, and he looked around. He found himself in a hospital room, blanket tucked comfortably around him, machines beeping steadily. Captain Cragen sat beside him, looking quite exhausted as he stared straight ahead. As soon as the older man saw Elliot awake, though, his expression changed.

"Welcome back, Elliot. How are you feeling?"

"Alright." Elliot answered, wincing as pain shot through his chest. "How long was I out?"

"A few hours." Cragen said. He paused, staring at his detective for a moment. "Olivia told me what happened on that roof."

"Oh, did she?"

"Yup. How're you feeling about it?"

Elliot ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. "I, uh… I'm not sure. Where _is_ my partner?"

"I sent her home to clean herself up. Almost had to pry her away from your bedside."

His heart softened slightly. "Oh, yeah?"

Cragen nodded. "She really cares about you, Elliot, and we all know that it's not because of your charming personality. Give her the benefit of the doubt, here."

"You know, I've been trying, Cap'n." The detective said, fingering the tube that connected to his I.V.

"How's that working out for you?"

Elliot shrugged. "Better than I thought, I guess."

A small smile formed on the captain's face. "Oh, really?"

He was answered with a nod. Knocking on the hospital door interrupted them, and Elliot glanced up. Olivia stood in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest. "Hey. Good to see you awake."

"Good to be awake." He answered.

Cragen pat him on the shoulder. "I'd better get back to the station. I'll be in touch, Elliot."

Olivia sat down in the chair Cragen had previously occupied, and looked her partner over for a moment. "How are you feeling?" She asked gently.

"I'm okay." He said. "Listen, I, uh… I just wanted to say thank you. For saving my life."

"I think you got that wrong." She said. "You're the one that saved _my _life when you jumped in front of that bullet."

"Liv…"

There that nickname was again. She wasn't sure where it came from, if he had just blurted it out in a moment of weakness, pain and blood loss, or if it was genuine. Now she had her answer. To be honest, she liked it. She liked it a lot.

"It wasn't just about catching that bullet or trying to stop the blood."

Olivia nodded. "I thought so. But, at any rate, thank _you _for saving _my_ life."

Elliot took a deep breath, heart pounding in his chest. He'd hadn't been this afraid in a long time; he found himself letting her in, and it was just absolutely terrifying. He had no idea what her plan was, or how long she was going to stick around, but the shooting had changed everything. He was growing attached to her, and there wasn't much he could do about it.

"Don't mention it."

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks for reading. Elliot/Olivia romance coming soon! Maybe even next chapter, if I get some good feedback... ;)


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